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Tuesday, August 14th, 2007
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6:58 am - As predicted...
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He went back to his ex, thus validating my statement that started this whole "arguement" to begin with.
Gonna go see what he wants today and thennnn I will turn into the Woman with a block of ice for a heart.
Yep this is the 2nd boy I cared for that did me like this... I do believe I am cursd.
current mood: discontent
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| Monday, August 6th, 2007
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5:33 pm - Life is amazing!
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Okay I will give you the abriged version. Muffy loves me and that makes me smile like WOAH!:-D That's my homie for LIFE!!!! 'N yeah you should be jealous... she's effin HOT! :-P
Ummm Working with the promotion company that had the accounts to J records, Arista, Warner Brothers, N Innerscope.
Thurs went to Flex's B Day party @ the china club. It was POPPINNNNN!!!! I love being 21! :-D Swizz beatz Killed it.... Cassidy Killed it... and when Drag-on went on stage... me and Ali were TIGHTTTTT!!! lol. Didn't know that cat was gonna be there! And proceeded to contemplate if we wanted to call or not and say WTF IS UP NUCCA?!?! LOLOL!!! The night was fun. We look beautifullll SMH of course! lol. Flex was twisted. As was the chick that was tryin to holler. It was funny as effin hell! Cuz the whole time she was tryin to stand up and talk to him... ummm her left nipple was deff outta the bra. Pierced btw :-P THAT SHIT WAS FUNNY AS HELL!!! Smh at drunk chicks! NO LOVE FOR GROUPIE BITCHES! :-)
Fri Promoted Common's Cd "Finding Forever." Was HOT AS HELL. First went to J records... then to the bestbuy on 5th.... Took pics and stuff... then meet Common. He's a cool dude. Mad tall. Nice to look @ too :-P On the way home got caught in the rain. Smh. Damn Shame. Grrrr to the bus not being able to get to the stop on time.
Sat & sunday just did my working out and chilled out.
Today I was Supposed to go to the city and promote Mr. Aye Bay Bay! on 106 N Park... but I didn't sleep and when like 9 am hit... I looked outside and was like EHHHHHHH!!! It's raining! Sooooo I let the lazy side take over for just today and chilled. Cleaned a bit. Made some phone calls. This week is BOOKED SOLID YO!
I'm still looking foreward to my paycheck thurs though! :-D
Oh And I'm blessed. Real Talk. Not stressed! I'm on some reallll whatever shyit. Yep I like a dude. But I'm not stressing it cuz I gotta take care of me first. Lol. It's still fun to do stuff ie: strip clubs (cuz Ima pimp son! :-P) and cuddle and all that good stuff but it's sooo whateverrrr! Whatever happens will happen. Mayhap I will see him this week... that would be cool.
Anyone know where I can buy fitted caps for ummm not too much! lol. :-P
Yep I spoil people I wuves! :-D
current mood: energetic current music: T pain: My Girl Gotta Girlfriend
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| Friday, July 27th, 2007
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2:11 pm - Can't stop this Stride!
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Pushing foreward with my progress.
Had a few set backs...
But I'm working on it!
current mood: awake
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| Friday, July 6th, 2007
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8:50 am - I am...
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As of late... Within the past few years, the last 3 to be precise, I have gone through a lot. Even now, as I reflect on the past present and future... forgive me. I am trying to organize my thoughts as much as possible. It has been a while since I took the time out for myself, to breath deep and take in the sights, relish the fact that I am alive. I am alive. Once upon a time, I viewed the word "alive" as merely the action of breathing, eating, walking, what have you. Life is more than that. Throughout the ups and downs, the trying to find "myself" and whatnot... I come to realize how truly Awesome and deep being "alive" is. I FEEL alive as opposed to just experiencing the action of living. Walk with me through this if you will. I know my writing skills are a bit rusty but what better time than now. There was a Time where I cried every night. I cried for the one I thought I loved. I cried for how I felt slighted... I cried for our unborn child... I cried when I came to realize that as deep as I THOUGHT I felt for you...well I just wept when I came to the conclusion that it was all a visage. A lie of sorts. I cried in my confusion as to what to believe and what to not to believe. I became lost and wandered about, siphoning through my emotions and trying my utmost to decipher what was "reasonable" and "unreasonable" The slate has been wiped clean. Once I beat myself up on a daily. What the FUCK am I doing with my life? I WANT this and this and that.... but as close as it may seem it also felt unobtainable. So hard to motivate oneself when you cannot figure out weather to go here or there or what should you or should not do. There was nothing more I wanted than to pick up my sax and play. However, I was frustrated. Frustrated with myself. I had no patience to regain all the skill I had lost in the 2 or so years I had abandoned my craft.
But It's a part of me. Running deeper than love. A gift from above. My calling. I am. There was a time where in my agony I just got lost in it all. Fuck it all. Just wallow. You aren't loved. You are alone. Drink. Smoke. Sleep your life away. It's a vicious cycle. You gain weight. You feel more and more ugly. The unthinkable ran though my head... I pushed those that actually DID care further and further away, trying to cling on to what I fancied was what I needed... in fact what I wanted. Truly, where I am trying to go with all this is thus: For once I feel clarity. I find is somewhat interesting actually. '07 is the number of completion. Of renewal. Every 7 years (yes this is a random trivia fact time :-P) your body renews itself. You get new hair and skin. It sheds away the used parts of you. I don't know... I find it ironic that on this, the eve of my 21st birthday... hmmm... The year is '07. My Birth month is 7 (July) I come to FINALLY find out my birth time. Ha ha yeah after all this time of not really knowing that much as I had a BULLSHIT birth certificate... I finally found out what time I was born. 7:56 pm. Ha ha ha. I'm going to be 21. I feel soooo grown. But not Jaded. I'm content. I know that I never can truly know everything about everything... but for the first time I truly feel Happy. Fulfilled. There is direction to my Life. I'm happy with the people I have around me. They elevate me and ground me at the same time. I'm chillin... in every sense of the word. I Love like never before. More so than just the romantic side of the word. I'm not really stressin who does or doesn't like me. Just basking in the light of those around me, and just honestly enjoying your presence and just lying back and taking is as it is. I could continue to gush on and on about how amazing things are... but suffice to say I have a new set of eyes, ears... New skin and nerves. My perception has altered in a way. But I am true to myself. I am found. I am also reborn....This is the TRUTH. My essence. My past has helped shape me. The future is to a certain extent unknown. However... here and now is feeling... ethereal in a way. I'm on cloud 10! Yeah I'm high without smoke or drink. (that does have it's place though...) I thank those that hurt me. Those that helped me. Those that I don't even know yet. I am outside my body in a way, experiencing everything for more than what is on the physical. A new spiritual plane of sorts.
Yeah I may sound slightly psychotic to some. I truly don't care. I'm me. I'm pretty cool if I do say so myself. Not to be conceited. Ha ha . I love you all. I love me. I love Live. What more is there to say? Cheers to being Happy and making you... well YOU! I am meant for greatness. Touched by God, or whatever force out there, deep down into my soul. Bringing out the light in me. And you. It's a beautiful day. ..>
And that's pretty much all. I don't know how better to express myself.
I'm done with taking things for granted!
Can you SEE me?
current mood: grateful current music: Chonkyfire
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| Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
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3:48 am - IMA CALL YOU MY SHAWTYYYYYY!!
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It's almost 4 am. Here I am writing with my bestttttt friends ever! I'm blessed. I feel it.
<3
*Bonding through the music...*
Silly as it sounds, on another plane of existance. And it feels good!
current mood: creative current music: Shawty instrumental NON STOP! :-P
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| Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
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4:00 pm - It's a beautiful day!
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The sun is shining. I'm with people I love. AND I got the job at U.S. Airways! SWEEETTT!!
current mood: cheerful
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| Tuesday, June 19th, 2007
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4:12 pm - The right when I'm wrong...
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Today is a splendid day. I'm procrastinating though. Gonna take a shower. Do dishes. Get purdy and chill with my dude today. YAY! Prettttyyyyy splendid indeed. Other than that nothing really of consequence.
Yep yep!!!
current mood: cheerful
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| Sunday, June 17th, 2007
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6:19 am - boreddddd and unable to sleep :-(
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*Stollen from Rob...*
DIV id=testResultInfo>
Your Score: Aphrodite
66% Extroversion, 53% Intuition, 72% Emotiveness, 80% Perceptiveness

Funloving, talkative, flamboyant, social... you are most like Aphrodite. You love parties, people, fashion, and sex. You're impulsive, inconcise, and you find crowds and parties to be energizing. You're optimistic, upbeat, and frequently irrational. You hate structure and routine, and you don't like know-it-alls. You're not really a "big picture" person, however, and might not always assess the consequences of your actions before taking them. You do have a very strong hedonistic streak, though, and this gives you a magnetic personality. You dislike people who think too much.
Like Dionysus, you classify your life as a search for meaning and, when things go wrong, you can become manipulative. To others, you can often seem directionless and impulsive, but you make sure that everything that you do is in line with your strong, internally motivated set of moral guidelines. Your funloving streak, although your greatest asset, can sometimes prevent you from realizing goals or staying on task. As accepting as you are of other people, you have a great need to be accepted yourself, and this can sometimes lead to an overdemonstration of affection and insincerity on your part.
Famous People like you: Elvis, Eva Gabor, Paris Hilton, Elizabeth Taylor Stay away from: Atlas, Prometheus, The Oracle, Daedalus, and Hermes. Seek out: Pan, Dionysus, Apollo </div>
Your Score: The Liberated Lover72% partner focus, 61% aggressiveness, 70% adventurousness Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:
You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.
This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover.
The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if "in the market."
In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel 'overmatched' at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed.
Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover.
Congratulations!
If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following:
Nerds, Geeks & Dorks
Professional Wrestling
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
America/Politics
Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST
Your Score: HippieYou are 14% Rational, 71% Extroverted, 14% Brutal, and 14% Arrogant. You are the Hippie! Characterized by a strong sense of extroversion, irrationality, gentleness, humility, and a faint scent of marijuana, you no doubt frolic through fields preaching peace and free love! Immediately following that, you then frolic to the hospital with herpes! You are probably either very spiritual or needlessly paranoid about "the man", like most hippies, as a result of your focus on intuition and feelings over cold, brutal logic. You probably enjoy poetry, especially beatnik ultra-liberal crap about how horrible fascism is, even though your suburbanized, sheltered idea of "fascism" is having to pay two dollars per gallon at the gas pump. You are also very, very social. And like any hippie who would have no qualms about hitchiking across the country just to meet some interesting people, you also love to interact with others, even complete strangers. Though I highly doubt they love to interact with you! Because we know most any hippie is peace-loving and humble, it stands to reason that you, as well, are terribly gentle and humble, almost to the point of revulsion. Your carefree attitude of peace and harmony is probably very, very sickening to realists or cynics or anyone who isn't a hippie, to tell the truth. In short, your personality is defective because you are overly emotional, extroverted, gentle, and humble--thus making you an annoying hippie. Now go do your drugs and have sex with filthy bearded men in tye dye shirts.
To put it less negatively:
1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.
2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.
3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.
4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.
Compatibility:
Your exact opposite is the Sociopath.
Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hand-Raiser, the Televangelist, and the Robot.
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If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.
The other personality types:
The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
Be sure to take my Sublime Philosophical Crap Test if you are interested in taking a slightly more intellectual test that has just as many insane ramblings as this one does!
About Saint_Gasoline I am a self-proclaimed pseudo-intellectual who loves dashes. I enjoy science, philosophy, and fart jokes and water balloons, not necessarily in that order. I spend 95% of my time online, and the other 5% of my time in the bathroom, longing to get back on the computer. If, God forbid, you somehow find me amusing instead of crass and annoying, be sure to check out my blog and my webcomic at SaintGasoline.com.
Your Score: Smart Paladin59% Combativeness, 26% Sneakiness, 85% Intellect, 61% Spirituality Valorous! Noble! Or possibly just a self-righteous jerk (but with the brains to keep you alive!)... You are a Smart Paladin! Paladins are holy warriors. They are valorous defenders of the light. Unfortunately, most of them are so ardent in their defense they tend to meet sticky ends faster than you can say "rampaging red dragon." Many people look up to Paladins, while others just consider them stuck up, overbearing, or self-righteous. Fortunately for you, unlike most Paladins, you're pretty smart. Which means that you're more likely to fall into the "admired" category, rather than the "obnoxious" or "dead" categories. Much like the crusades, you manage to combine violence and religion, though unlike the crusades, you add a healthy does of intelligence. You may be a staunch defender of the faith, a valorous champion of the weak, or the stuff that jihads are made of. Which ever one you are, just be happy that you�ve got the smarts to back it up and make it work.
| | The Peach Random Gentle Love Master (RGLM)
Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.
For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you're surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don't get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
Your exact female opposite: The Nymph
 Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer | You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you're becoming more selective about long-term love. It's getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.
Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.
DREAD: The False Messiah (DBLM)
CONSIDER: The Loverboy (RGLM), The Playboy (RGSM), or The Boy Next Door (RGLD) |
Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating. My profile name: : LiLi86 |
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1:04 am - Sex With My Ex...
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Truly, that subject does not in any way, shape or form, reflect my life at the moment... Truly.
Ne-yo's album is crack.
Ummm Once again I am somewhat disappointed in myself for some action/emotion or whatever crossed my path as of late.
Big whoop. What else is new...
Recently I cleaned out my room and filed away my music and old school projects... why was I sooo damn intelligent in hs? Eh whatever. I blame the liqs and the weed. :-P Or the lack of stimulation...
No homo b.
*shrug* I'm on my '07 shit. Whatever that may mean. Mayhap it means I will write insightful and witty things in my livejournal once again. Maybe not. Who knows right? When the mood hits me I will be sure to let you know.
Oh did I mention that ne-yo's album is crack?
Well, it is.
Mmmmm Hummm!
Oh yeah.... I need a roomie..... long story short my house is up for sale and I gotta start making moves! Ahhh the happenings of the last few months. Pure insanity. The highs, the lows... maddness.
Yeah enough of this psycho babble.
Bai bai!
current mood: bored current music: NE-YO!!!!
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| Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
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11:23 am - Sometime I wish I could act like a boy!
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Indeed. This is hell. Has to be. I refuse to believe it is otherwise. It's like I'm getting life's wrath, the kinda wrath it reserves for hitler or something. Maybe I am like that bad of a person. I dunno... but it's getting to the point where I'm either gonna say: A) FUCK IT ALL!!! Ima be the baddest bad ass of them all, fucking everything that walks and screwing everyone over. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkk I hate you all!! or B) Curl up into a little ball in my house. Mind my own fucking business. Never talk/see anyone ever again till I die. Then like 2 years later someone is gonna be all like, "hmmmm... I wonder wtf happened to that milina bitch..." and meander past the house and notice a bad smell... and thus my demise will be discovered and everyone will be like all "Awwww... she's dead" for a good 2 min tops and then I am forgotten all over again and everyone goes about their damn business again.
I mean seriously. My fucking brother is a racist asshole. Can't do any right there. According to social fucking security I don't even fucking exist so I CAN'T fuckin get a job (on the books with a pay stub and all that good shit... :-( ) I CAN'T fuckin go back to school like I wanna... I CAN'T do mad shit. Fucking I CAN'T get my fuckin car back from the damn impound lot cuz me like the fucking trusting jackass that I am gave oneil like half of the money to hold for me while I was in florida..... and now he's M.I.A. and I'm fucked..... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
just ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I dunno even what to write anymore. I have like no clue what to do with myself at this moment... I wanna like just do so much shit but I'm thinking of a million kajillion things and just urgh!
Fuck it.
current mood: depressed
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| Monday, February 26th, 2007
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7:36 am - Some things are forever, some things are not.
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Ho hum. I'm contemplating going on a road trip. I need to get the hell outta here! Seriously..... I think a trip away to go visit people and just do something different would be amazing...
HOWEVER
My car situation still isn't solved yet. Sigh. Thus the issue... lolol should I say FUCK IT and just leave or like bust my chops, spend a lot of money to get my car outta the impound lot... and be stuck here because I won't have any money left... depressed... and broke. :-( Sigh yeah that sucks.
Getting back into the swing of things is... ummm... hard to say the least. Lol. Back at the dojo... I'm flippin sore as heck but w/e. I'll loose the weight and get back into shape and be all hot and whatnot again. Life is pretty good. I got a lot of things I wanna accomplish in a pretty short period of time and I gotta get cracking! Someone should help me write a kick ass resume so I can get a flippin job! lol.
Finnished an awesome book, "The Dead Emcee Scrolls" by Saul Williams. Kick ass. If you are a fan of hip hop... a must read. Even if you aren't... it's enlightening.
urgh. I'm going back to sleep. !!
current mood: contemplative
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| Sunday, February 25th, 2007
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8:37 am - kinda sleepy....
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Urgh. I'm up I'm up I'm Up I'm up! Sheesh... Going back to the dojo and working out again is so... involved!!!! ACK!!! Probally post pics later or whatever...
URGH
current mood: sore
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| Thursday, February 15th, 2007
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1:19 am - <3 This is why I Love her...
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"And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship." Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace. When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay." And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught. And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
It's Us Space... The Ultimate Truth...
current mood: cheerful current music: Incubus: Dig
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| Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
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1:43 am - WHY NOT?!?!?!?
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lolol yeah righttttttttt. I guess I should at least make an honest attempt at restarting this huh? Well.... Yeah.. maybe later :-P
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| Monday, June 12th, 2006
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3:19 am - Back..
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So yeah. Life is busy and kinda sucks but It's good too and confusing because it sucks and is food at the same time.
www.myspace.com/thefrontlyne
Support my company!!! lol
It feels kinda weird to write in this thing again... seeing as I haven't done so in so long... but it may be a good outlet. Seeing as I have been boarderline clinically depressed and all... maybe it would be good to just get it all out there. Or maybe it can come back to haunt me... like most things seem to be doing lately. *shrug* I need this.
Lately, I dunno, I just feel so alone. It's like no matter how I try to look at it... my "friends" aren't good enough and I am all I have. It could just be me. I dunno. I know I just want someone so bad to be there unconditionally... but at the same time I think I am kinda pushing people away that may actually care about me. It's just so hard sometimes, to drag myself out of my bed and look a person in the face and put that damn smile on, thinking and knowing about everything and anything in the back of my mind and trying to let the past be the past and just move on.
I'm still in love with Oneil. Nothing's gonna change there. I jsut gotta get over it and move on... because it just hurts more and more. I resent the fact that it's like I wasted over a year of my life hoping that he would just give me a chance... I know he knows I love him... and he loves me back.. just not in the way I want him to and it hurts. I'm blessed to have a man that will always take care of me and be there for me.. but at the same time.. I resent the fact that It's like I'm not good enough to be his girl...
He reasons have gone from me being the president of his company... to me not being confident enough in myself. And I TRY and tell him that I feel sooo crappy about myself because he chooses other women over me... but he won't hear it.
And to think... I was ready to have his child and I want to be his wife...
I guess it it will be then it will be.
This year has me once again re-evualuating my own self worth and the people around me. Ha. I'm so freakin stupid sometimes. You CAN'T always try and see the good in everything. Because it's just not that way.
I loaned my car out to someone... and she didn't pay the car note or inshurance as agreed... refused to return my car in a timely fashon... and then crashed it. Now, it's reposessed. lol. I'm freakin dumb. I feel so depressed. No job... no money. But I guess I gotta just pick myself up and make things better because no one else will do it for me.
Kool-Aid saves lives :-P It's yummy.
I really want to go back to school this semester. I don't wanna go back to QC... but I would maybe like to go to Germany for a study abroad program from NYU... problem is... everything I have and am working for is here. My company... the people I know...
Or maybe I DO just need to get away.
I dunno. I need to just get my thoughts and emotions together. I feel like I'm always going everywhere and nowhere at once and sometimes I think I'm crazy... It's just so hard to keep my mind in the here and now.
Went to St. Louis last week. In many ways, that trip was the trip from hell but it was much needed. St. Louis is poppin. For real. It was nice to stay in that spa hotel in that nice suite... cats was smokin weed and doing tattoos outta the hotel rooms. It was real. And yes, I did get another tat there... to remember the trip. It glows under uv light :-)
So it was a good trip... with a small instance where I jsut lost it.
I just got so mad at oneil there because it's like he always gets his way.... so I just started to walk. I wanted to get away from people so that they couldn't see how crazy I may seem... I don't like looking weak. But true to form... he and Calvin tracked me down... and basically picked me up physically and dragged me back to the hotel.... I know I was mad and that I basically shut down both physically and emotionally and pshychologically... and I'm ashamed of how I acted... but I'm thankful that they did what they did... but it just feeds into my fear more and more of how I feel ashamed to look at people in the face... ashamed of what they think of me.
you know... looking back on the trip... I'm selfish. People do care about me. I guess.
So yeah, It's time to start loving myself. I wanna make a change this year.
I started playing my sax again. It's like the most pure moment where everythign just goes away and I can just focus on that one thing.
I am my own salvation.
First step is to clean up my damn house so that I can feel proud for once :-P
current mood: contemplative current music: Addiction by Kanye West
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| Sunday, April 16th, 2006
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2:50 am - LOOK!!! AN ENTRY!
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So, Yes it has been a very long time. But I figure that it's time I got back into this. Ima upgrade the page and everything.
So, this year has been filled with so many ups and downs already. Only 4 months into 2006...
I am blessed.
Sure, I have been faced with so much. But at the end of the day, everything happen for a reason. Falling in Love... hard yes. Hard for the trappings that come with it. But I am blessed. SO blessed. I am blessed to know that he cares for me in return, regardless of the outcome of our relationship. Through the hard times, knowing that he is there to be my rock and hold me and tell me that everything will work out for the better, be it tomorrow or 20 years from now. I could talk on and on... but you know the deal.
It is still strange, to be able to look at a person and still after a year and 2 months get butterflys in my stomach. Even after considering the possibilities and ultimately making a heartbreaking decision... even after hating that person with every part of my being... the nights of crying and uncertainty... I am blessed. Because I am in Love. And I can say "I Love You," even if he cant say it back. Yes, I have to hold back, for by nature I am one to be very affectionate and so on...
But I do believe I met this person for the reason.
And that we went through and continue to go through our situations for a lesson.
I think I have grown so much...
Otherwise... Life is wonderful. I'm currently unemployed (LOL!!) but I find it to be kinda liberating and stressful at the same time. DAMNIT I NEED SOME MONEY!!!
And yes, I live and The Music Factory... 9th inbetween 44th and 45th in Manhattan....
FrontLyne
Ima Keep ya'll posted. :-p
current mood: contemplative
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| Sunday, November 6th, 2005
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3:51 am - Thinkin...
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I find less and less free time lately... But it's all good I guess.
You know, even though I find that yes, I have grown more into a person I like, I do feel that I have become disconnected with my past and people I care about. Life is funny that way. People that just 2 years ago I would SWEAR I would know for the rest of my life, people that I thought would have come pivotal impact on me today... they all fade away. It is saddening, yes. All I can do really is reach out to those I truly miss and hope for the best.
In life, we all go separate ways. Now, depending on what philosophy you believe in, even though you may be in different states and even though you may know a new set of people in your life, everything is connected and comes back together in the end...
Nevertheless, at this point I feel liberated and strangely lonely for some reason. Yeah, I live on my own and make ends meat and pretty much am my own Woman, but I still wish from time to time when I come home that I would have a familiar face there to greet me. Some of you would kill to have my living arrangements and my life I am sure, but at night, when all is dark and quite... I think about people I used to be so close to and how much love I had for them... and how amazing it is for them all to just disappear and become lost in the hustle that is the Life of a Young Person. I mean, are there ever any true friendships that last forever?...
I call you a Brother... I call you a Sister..
And here we are, months at a time without any form of contact or even acknowledgement of one another's being.
... I mean, I have been reflecting on a lot of things, but I refuse to stay in one place forever. It was just a hard concept for a while there to KNOW that you cannot always have your people move forward towards improvement.. and that sometimes, you really only do have yourself.
I still miss ya'll though...
It's time to refresh myself.
A whole new chapter starts.
Let's see who comes along this time around...
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| Friday, October 7th, 2005
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3:46 am - A mini Rant (?)
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... I find that it hurts me more when you lie (or withold information) to me to "protect" me than when you just TELL ME ALREADY...
The Cryptic "I'm takin' care of business" makes me worry more than if you just say what you are doing at freakin 12,1,2,3 AM...
So I worry, and I stay up, because you SAY you are coming over... but it never happens and I begin to worry more...
And when the phone rings and you FINALLY tell me that you went to BK because your "Psycho Ex" is going to the Marines and she needed "Closure,"
I just get annoyed.
Because here you were, had me thinkin it was something serious! :-P
It COULD just be me... *Shrug* *************************************************************************
Sooo hmmm... I FINALLY got my comp to stop being so freakin evil and kinda sorta work. Thus, I will be back to the daily post/comment relationship with LJ,Xanga,Myspace,and The Facebook. :-P ********************************************************* Well, I found it very amusing that Oneil thinks that I have the makings of being a REALLY good pimp, but that I am too nice to do so. Lmfao. He states that I am more than good enough lookin of a chick to have guys drooling all over me... but that even though the offer to do/give mad shit to me, I do not take advantage of them. Now, I may take that as either a compliment or I dunno.
Strange happening from mon: waiting for the bus (yeah, my car broke down... :-\)on the way back from the mechanic, this kinda older guy drives past and is smiling and waving at me. Now, I'm like... uhhhh... do I know you or do you know me and yeah. lol. He drives past, but u turns and u turns again to talk to me, all because he "HAD to know me." lmfao. he offered me a ride... I accepted because hey, that's an extra $2 in bus fares I get to keep in my pocket. :-P And besides... I fear not this scrawny older man! I AM JET LI LI!! ROAR!! lol
Long car ride short... he offers to take me out to see plays and buy me stuff and he gives me a copy of his love poem book...and I was creeped out by the sugar-daddy vibe. lol.
I feel like I have everything I could ever want right in front of me... but that for some reason, it will never be like that. And the 4 other guys (Excluding Mr. Creepy Poem man with a funny name...) that want to buy me an Ipod, shower me with clothes, have me lookin like the rare beauty that I am, and freakin give me the best sex I have ever had... well... they still aren't him and it saddens me that all the sudden, after wanting SO LONG to be looked at with admiration and what not... well... I am not really interested in anyone else anymore.
Depressing huh?
current mood: blah
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| Monday, September 26th, 2005
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2:44 am - It's all good!
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Sooooooo... Life is beautiful. :-) I'm sick... but it's all good because Oneil came and took care of me! He was spoonfeeding me theraflu and he put me to sleep and was rubbin my back and head and *sigh* so... he really is being wonderful to me and Ima keep him. :-)
In other news... ewwwwww! Why is it that when you are happy with a guy other guys go mad hard for no reason? case and point: guy numero uno. I know him through tiff... and he offered to buy me an I pod...
MIKE52684 [2:34 AM]: Good night MIKE52684 [2:34 AM]: Sleepy JazzySax711 [2:34 AM]: yes JazzySax711 [2:35 AM]: sleep well! MIKE52684 [2:35 AM]: U too MIKE52684 [2:35 AM]: Ubse MIKE52684 [2:35 AM]: U too sexy lil one JazzySax711 [2:36 AM]: ACK! JazzySax711 [2:36 AM]: I am not sexy! JazzySax711 [2:36 AM]: SICK! JazzySax711 [2:36 AM]: Sick JazzySax711 [2:36 AM]: sick JazzySax711 [2:36 AM]: sick and sexiness do not coexist with oneanother! MIKE52684 [2:36 AM]: U not MIKE52684 [2:37 AM]: Well when u not sick and when I see u u look sexy to me MIKE52684 [2:37 AM]: I'm sorry u just do JazzySax711 [2:37 AM]: well thank you for the thought MIKE52684 [2:37 AM]: If that's a problem than u should come over and kill me JazzySax711 [2:37 AM]: *blushes* JazzySax711 [2:37 AM]: nah MIKE52684 [2:37 AM]: Lol JazzySax711 [2:37 AM]: I won't kill you MIKE52684 [2:38 AM]: Your welcome MIKE52684 [2:38 AM]: Now I have the right to call u sexxy yes JazzySax711 [2:38 AM]: I didn't say all that! MIKE52684 [2:38 AM]: Why not JazzySax711 [2:39 AM]: *sigh* finnneeeee you can call me that MIKE52684 [2:39 AM]: Gave one good reason y MIKE52684 [2:39 AM]: I thought so lol JazzySax711 [2:39 AM]: *hangs head JazzySax711 [2:39 AM]: you got me MIKE52684 [2:39 AM]: Good night sexy lil one MIKE52684 [2:39 AM]: I won MIKE52684 [2:40 AM]: 1 1 we tied JazzySax711 [2:40 AM]: grumble grumble grumble JazzySax711 [2:40 AM]: it's all good JazzySax711 [2:40 AM]: I shall get you back! JazzySax711 [2:40 AM]: MUAH ha ha ha ha haaaaa! MIKE52684 [2:40 AM]: Lol MIKE52684 [2:40 AM]: Later JazzySax711 [2:40 AM]: bai bai! MIKE52684 [2:40 AM]: Sexxy JazzySax711 [2:41 AM]: seeee... now you are takin it too far! JazzySax711 [2:41 AM]: :-P MIKE52684 [2:41 AM]: ;-)
He can't spell. And SURRREEEEE he is a nice guy... but he isn't attractive to me and he is kinda boring face to face. So ehhhhhhhh!!!
so yeah... Von says that I need to get my pimp pimp on... but I'm kinda too sick right now to care. :-P
Night night!
current mood: drained
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| Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
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1:59 am - OH SNAP!!! AN UPDATE!
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So yeah, I have been neglecting this thing I guess. *Shrug* I have been really busy and tired and lazy and whatever excuse I will not use at this moment in time.
A lot to write about. Ummmmm... snaps to me for just being me! I got a new tat... pics to be posted soo I guess. I could write all this filler nonsense, But I won't.
Work is going well. I just need to master the art of saving my damn money.
And I am officially the most patient woman in the world. The non-relationship/relationship is going on 7... count it, 7 months... And SUUURRRREEEE things have come a long way and he's FINALLY expressing himself and whatnot... but I mean DAMN! I won't get into it now... but yes, I am very happy and hopefully things will continue to shape up. We will seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
I had some thought out post... but I am really tired now. Night.
current mood: contemplative
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